"To love is to be vulnerable...

Take a look at this quote by (you guessed it!) C.S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves (which I highly recommend reading):

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

This quote has always been a favorite of mine, but it is also very challenging. Often times, we like the idea of being open and willing to giving and receiving love, but when it comes time to let our guards down, how often do we actually let people in? How often are we truly and profoundly vulnerable? And I am not just talking about being transparent. Being vulnerable and transparent, though similar, are very different. Anyone can be transparent - they can let you know what they are going through, if they are sad or in pain, but being vulnerable goes a step deeper. In being vulnerable, you not only open yourself up to being heard, but you open yourself up to receiving the comfort, encouragement, advice, or admonishment of another. And it is usually the latter that we, in reality, do not want to hear. We know we need guidance, but most times, we just want to be fed a tablespoon of sugar, not the real medicine, to remedy our ailment.

And I will be honest, I have not been very open or willing to be vulnerable lately. Ever since I left school in May, I've put up a fortress between every other person and myself. Why? Because I probably don't want to know that other people know what's going on in inside (despite my best efforts to hide it). Now, I have been immensely blessed to have friends who I have been able to be vulnerable with, but those times have been few and far between. And least of all, I have not been open, never mind vulnerable, with the One who truly knows my heart.

Being here in Costa Rica, you would think that I would draw close to Him, tho the One I have been seeking after my entire life (well, just about). But no, I will again admit, that I have not. My Bible sits idly and my journal, which I used to resort to every chance I had to write, remains devoid of profound thoughts and insights. I've been running on empty, and I wonder why I have moments where I feel so defeated and insecure.

I've not allowed myself to be broken. I've remained stubborn and proud, preoccupying myself with 'hobbies and little luxuries.' Now I can feel its lifelessness, the stolidness. My will to be vulnerable and to love (and be loved) has become impenetrable, nearly unbreakable. It is not a good place to be in.

I came here to Costa Rica to further discern God's will for my life. I believed He placed something inside of my heart for Latin America back in February when I visited Peru. I totally changed my plans of studying abroad from Oxford, England (which I was convinced I would study abroad at since I was in middle school) to studying here in Costa Rica - it was a huge leap of faith. And now that I am here, I have not been taking the time to listen to Him. I have squandered much of my time here walking further from Him, not getting all that I could out of this experience.

As I begin the last leg of this trip, my 3.5 week stay in another homestay, another community, and my 2 week trip to Cuba, I ask for prayer. I really need support and strength from the outside because I certainly do not have it in and of myself. For all of you that have been reading this and faithfully praying for me, I thank you, for I have felt them. Praise the Lord that, while we are unfaithful, He is perpetually and unconditionally faithful to us.

Blessings, my friends.