the little things.

God just never stops surprising me. I've been on this earth for 21 years and I know it'll take me the rest of my life (and even then, probably not) to learn the fact that God is faithful and I am not. But even when I am not faithful, he always is. And as a very good and dear friend reminded me, God doesn't need our love for him to continue to love us. His love for us is not contingent upon the degrees of love we have for him (praise Him for that!).

Anyway, last week was a little rough. I was a little detached from my tica family, a little fed up with school, and just missing the familiar: people, places, and things. I felt so alone and isolated, and I just wanted to be able to, as I am used to doing when I am sad, cuddle up next to my mom (or my oversized German Shepherd, Jake), and complain... and get a hug. I never realized how dependent I am upon simple acts like that - a hug, body-to-body contact - to encourage and uplift me. When I am upset, I am able to go to my mom (she always seems to be the one I go to, probably because her arm is more comfortable than my dad's... ha, no, just kidding, Mom) and I am able to vent about my frustrations, and most times, she can't say anything or do anything that will immediately solve my problems, but she can console me in the midst of my frustration, sadness, or helplessness... and most times, that is enough. However, here, I can't exactly do that. Hugs, though not completely absent, are not all that common a way to console or greet people - that's what a kiss on the cheek is for. But let me tell you, last Wednesday, all I wanted was a hug. I didn't care who I got it from, but I went all day long without consolation.

On Wednesday, we had our final presentations for ICADS, our Spanish school. We all had to be there at 1pm and we presented in order (in a few different groups). It just so happens that I was the last to go in my group - and my group had taken the longest per presenter, so I sat around for over 3 hours just waiting around. Maybe I am complaining a little, but I was a bit worn out by the end of that day. After my presentation, I was in no mood to be around people, or at least communicate with them. I had already had an emotionally draining weekend of missing people and feeling inadequate about myself in every way possible, and now I think I had hit my limit. But no, it gets slightly worse (but not too much.. and I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should be.. but "rough weeks" are all relative").

After being stuck on the most full bus EVER for an extra half an hour than usual (I was in the first row of seats and I could NOT see the door that was 6 feet from me), I came home and talked to my dear friend, Stanley, on Skype. He was the one to tell me all of those wonderful thing about God and his love for me - but of course, at that time, I didn't want to hear any of it. I kept telling him, "I know. I know. All that you are saying is true. And I believe it. I just don't feel it right now. But I know that it is true." So, after not feeling any better after that talk, my mami pops her head in (actually, it was in the middle of that conversation) and tells me that everyone was leaving to go to my tio Carlos' house. Right then, my heart just sank to the lowest possible place. I didn't want to be alone. I may not have wanted to communicate deeply with people, but I did not want to be alone. I didn't want to be abandoned or feel isolated. But away they went. My two brothers and my parents. It was just Beky, our dog, and me in the house.

By this point, I had had enough. It wasn't even just the homesickness and the long day, I think at this point, I realized just how much I was holding in. I mean, if you had any idea of the sort of stuff that we are learning about and the gravity and weight of the reality we are being exposed to each and every day - man, you'd be in a bad state of mind, too, after a while. Anyway, this was my moment when everything came together to an anti-climactical pity-party over overwhelmedness - so I let the tear-fest begin. And I am a sole crier. I don't care if I happen to start to cry in front of someone, but if I can, I'll hold it back until a more convenient time. Anyway, here was my chance to be alone and just let it out (one of those 'cries' that you feel with your entire body) - or so I thought. Two minutes into it, I hear someone coming up the steps - it was my brother, Esteban. I quickly tried to dry my eyes and compose myself in case he decided to pop his head into my room. And of course, after he went into his room, he came over to say goodbye, I assume.

He popped his head in and asked, "Como estas?" and then I just looked him in the eyes and he saw that all was not well. I just said (as I was choking over my words and new tears started to fall), "Estoy un poco triste... tuve un dia muy largo.." (I'm just a little sad... I had a long day). Immediately, concern washed over his face and he spoke such words of comfort to me. He told me that, "You know you have a family here and we care for you very much!" and other things to that effect. He then invited me to go over what would be considered my cousin's house, and I was never so happy to leave this house. After the invite, I thanked him, but I was still crying (I'm sure I looked like a hot mess, too. I had a runny nose too, so I am sure I had a little something coming out of my nose. Nice visual, I know). And he then said, "Con permiso" (which pretty much means, "pardon me" or "excuse me" or "allow me") and came over to me and just gave me a hug. I think it was the first time someone has given me a hug in weeks. All I can say is that simple action was one of the biggest answers to prayer I've had since being here. It is small, simple, and maybe even petty in relation to all of the other needs of the world.. but in that moment, what I needed most, was to know that I was cared for and I was worth something. That hug gave me more affirmation and encouragement than any words could have possibly given me.

Each and every day, I am falling more in love with my family and my life here. I am already more than halfway done with this experience and it is only now that I am really starting to meld with my family, the Miranda-Navarros. It makes me wonder why I have taken so much time, rather, why I have wasted so much time being selfish, lazy, or held back by anxiety or fear. But I cannot take back time nor can I change my actions or feelings. Those times are gone. Though, I can try to make the most of what I have now - today. I love my family, whether we simply eat breakfast in silence together or if I am silent while amongst a group of all of them and their friends laughing about something that I have no idea about because I don't speak as fast or well as them. I not only have an amazing family in the United States, but I have another family, one that genuinely cares for me and that has opened their home and allowed it to be mine as well. What a blessing.

Now, all of that was a lot of explaining for such a seemingly inconsequential thing. And it was very self-revelatory, I know. Some of you are probably wondering why I am being so open and personal. Well, sometimes I wonder the same thing, but if it is on my heart to write, then I just keep going. If I feel I shouldn't say or write something, then well, I don't. I want to be real about my struggles, big and little, but what is more, I want to share the tiniest of victories, encouragements, and blessings... because as I have been learning, it's all about the little things that help me make it from one day to the next.

Mucho amor, amigos. Peace & love.